CONQUERING THE PRECARIOUS PHASE

This blog is fictitious writing inspired by real events.

“The mind is everything. What you think you become. All that we are is the result of what we have thought”

GAUTAMA BUDDHA

Life is a beautiful one time offer. We all feel a wide range of emotions, depending on the situation, we are affected by our feelings. The stronger the emotion, the stronger they affect us. Broadly we can classify emotions as POSITIVE and NEGATIVE emotions. The positive vibes help cherish our lives’ moments, but the negative ones gradually deteriorate our mental health. As far as this generation is concerned, Love is the strongest emotion at our disposal. It has the power to turntables in an instant, convert every single calculated and rational decision to dust. But at the same time, the consequences can be reversed easily. When a person who knows deep Love loses it, it may be a sibling or parental, etc. he is bound to be devasted by that loss, and that impact leaves a scar on mental health. It tends to be replaced by other negative emotions like Anger, Depression, Self-harm, etc. In such cases, the person most likely isolates himself and will not care for anything around him. The person becomes narrow-minded and will not see the full picture and is continuously pessimistic. There are only two things that can help him out; he has to realize it on his own and seek medical help, and he should have good friends and family who support him. Here’s one such story of a person who got forced to become a jee aspirant.

It was right after the 10th class. My parents and I discussed my future education, and they have decided to send me to a hostel to which I disagreed. I didn’t want to leave and spend the next two years in a hell hole. The hostel they chose had a challenging schedule from 7 am 10 pm, without any co-curricular activities. And the recess breaks were only 2 hours per day. It is almost like the institute’s motto was to get their students into IIT even at the cost of their lives; I told my parents that I was not too fond of it and didn’t wanna go there. But they forced me, and I had no choice. The first two days were fine, but then after that, I have started feeling home-sick. And I didn’t have any friends to talk to as it has only been two days since we met each other. And mobile phones were not allowed, so no contact with the outside world. I felt as if I had been cut-off from the world, and no matter what I try or how much I try to change my mind, it just wouldn’t get off this. My parents use to visit me every weekend. And I kept crying to them about the misery I felt. But they always somehow convinced me to stay there. But every Monday morning felt the same again. Two and a half months have passed. I have slowly gone into depression. I wouldn’t react to anything at all. As a result, my grades started falling, and then the institute changed me to another section based on my performance. It had depressed me more and further sunk me into sulking.
Now my health had started to deteriorate, and I started having panic attacks. I first had it when I was sleeping; I felt suffocation and could not move and had to take deep, intense breathes to gasp the air. I got into the hospital; my parents came rushing as soon as they were informed. After recovery, I went through counseling sessions a lot. Then I explained my situation to them about how I feel and what conspired in my mind. Finally, after three months of torture, my parents decided to change my college, and then I thought my misery had ended there. But it led to more complications than ever. 
Even after everything I went through, my parents imposed certain conditions on me to change my college. They wouldn’t provide me with facilities like mobile, T.V, catching up with friends, etc. I didn’t think much, because I wanted to leave as soon as possible. Now, I have joined a semi-residential institute, which was one hour away from the house. So, this was a different kind of challenge, to start a day with Travelling is the hardest thing to do. And the worst part is, after a day’s exhaustion, traveling again in the night takes a physical toll. Not to mention that I have joined three months late in this institute’s pov. So I didn’t bond with my classmates. My present situation felt similar to my hostel situation. I had no friends, No peace of mind, cut-off from the world, a horrible schedule, and a Physics lecturer who bullies me.
At first, I performed well in academics, a little weak in physics, but overall good, and my physics lecturer didn’t like me, so he always picked on me in the class. I was irritated to a certain extent that I didn’t learn Physics at all after that. But then I didn’t regret it. Things were going well for a while, I have made a few friends, and my parents loosened up a little. So I was happy that everything was falling in the right place.

Then my 12th had started, and my academics began to decline. I was weak at Physics, as I mentioned earlier, but now Maths too. I couldn’t grasp concepts like Integration and some high-level Probability and all the other concepts related to them. Gradually, I have started to lose my confidence level, but my friends were there to keep up my spirit. So, it didn’t affect me much. One day I ranked the last in my class, and then my principal sent a message to my dad stating that I haven’t been studying at all and sent the result sheet’s photocopy. My parents suddenly started lecturing me after reaching home, and my dad started scolding and yelling at me. After a while, I couldn’t keep it in myself anymore; I started yelling back at them that I did not want to do IIT-JEE in the first place and that they forced me to take it. And then my father got up and started to hit me for shouting back at them, but there was no answer from their side about the question I asked them. I called up to my friend and started crying by telling her my problem. Let me tell you all how my conversation went.

Me: Hey Anu…
Her: Hi…
Me: (starts crying)Arey Anu help me re…
Her: Hey, are you okay…talk to me.
Me: (sobbing) I can’t take it anymore, my parents are sitting on my neck
Her: Okay, first calm down, relax, stop crying…we’ll talk…but first, relax
Me: How can I; they are not letting me…I can’t take it…I want to die re…at least then I would be in peace.
Her:(freaking) What .are you out of your mind…first of all. .stop, you just a fight with your parents, and this not the first time you had it…okay, so please think it through…
Me: It’s different re this time…it’s like they are forcing something down my gut…honestly I feel like running away from my home…
Her: Yes, let’s do that…be patient for another six months, and we will be getting into college, and we will go together…untill then don’t do anything stupid.
After she consoled me, I cooled off a bit and returned to normal, but the distance between my parents and me increased.
But academically, my situation has not improved. Honestly, Chemistry was the only thing keeping me in the game. However, I did not care about it. I had a crush on a girl from my class, one of my best friends. Or so I thought. So I asked my other friend to help me with this matter. He told me that I could count on him. I think it was November 3rd; I went out to have pani puri, and there I met her over there. We got talking, and I gave her some advice about academics, etc. And then we left. The next day, first thing in the morning, I got a letter from her. I was kind of excited; I mean, who wouldn’t be if one receives a message from their crush. Delighted, I opened it up and read it only to be disappointed. Apparently, she thought I spoke ill of her friends, and she got irritated. Also, she asked me not to talk to her again.
It was over a month since we talked, and finally, she sent me a sorry note one day. After one whole month, I spoke to her, and that was the best feeling ever; I instantly forgot all my issues with her when I got the letter.
One fine day I took a chance and confessed my feelings to her. She asked me to give her time. Meanwhile, the doomsday had arrived; 

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“JEE MAINS-1”. My performance in JEE MAINS-1 was horrible. I didn’t even clear the cut-off. Then I have understood the importance of Physics. That very evening after the exam, I have met a private tutor to improve my skills in Physics. It was January 27th, 2019, Sunday. Most people rest in their homes, but my french syllabus was incomplete, so we had a class that day. My friend and I were sitting and studying, and then he gave me a letter. He told me that the letter was from her. I thought that it was for me, and I opened it. After reading it, I found out that she liked my friend and she even proposed to him in that letter. It pained and hurt like hell. I just got up and walked silently to the washroom. I started crying, and there seemed no stop to them nor my agony. I wiped off my tears and washed my face. Meanwhile, my friend came to check on me, and I just returned to class silently. The spent the rest of the day thinking that why did this happen. That question kept on repeating in my mind. It was hard to handle rejection. Two days later, I found out that my friend accepted her proposal. My mind was blank. All I could feel was pain, piled up inside my body, unable to express it out loud. Then I shouted at him and asked him what in hell was he thinking; he didn’t respond to my question; he only said sorry. I just went away to my classroom, just like a helpless, frustrated insect stuck in a spider web. I couldn’t digest seeing them together, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I hated myself for letting that happen. I completely forgot about my studies. I liked her so much that I thought she is my life. Now seeing her be taken away in front of me by my best friend made me miserable. I stopped talking to everyone in my class, sat on the last bench, just sitting idly and thinking about her.
I felt hollow as if there was a void in me.

 One day I was going back home on a Two-wheeler; I was thinking about her while driving, and suddenly I got frustrated and lost control of the vehicle. I had an accident; the skin of my right arm and leg got peeled away. The nearby citizens came to my aid and called my dad; he came and took me to a hospital nearby. I was lucky that there were no severe injuries to my head because I was wearing a helmet. My parents didn’t talk much about this incident to me as I was in shock. And I didn’t want my parents to know about what is going on in my life. So for a while, I took some rest at my house. Then the Lab exams were coming up along with the Secondary board, so I had to go to college. After going to college, I saw them talking and pretended like I have seen nothing and just turned my head away and went back to the classroom. He saw me going into the class and then came to me and asked about my health. But I couldn’t just talk to him like nothing ever happened. I just grunted that I am fine and told him to leave me alone. He didn’t speak much, and he went back to his classroom.

The whole day I’ve spent seeing them together, jealousy filled my heart with despair, my eyes had a gloomy look, after some time, I started crying. A few of my friends who knew about this consoled me, but I couldn’t take it. I went back home and sat on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I was in a state of trans. Negative thoughts clouded my mind. I just got up and went into the washroom, took a razor, and cut my thigh. I didn’t know why I did that, but it seemed that it was the only option. Sure, it hurt, but seeing the blood drip down my thigh strangely calmed me. The next day I did the same thing, and I felt that I wasn’t sad anymore. Back then, I didn’t even know it was called self-harm. After a few days, it became like a strange addiction. No matter how the day went, I wanted to cut my skin open. I know it sounds too cruel, but it was the only thing that brought me relief. The physical pain I inflict upon myself distracted me from feeling the mental suffering in me. Then the secondary board exams started. And her exam center is the same as mine. I was very much irritated seeing her there. I felt as if all the negative vibes in the world wee around. I couldn’t focus much on the exam too. I ended up getting a bad score on my boards.

 I have called up my friend once again and told her about my situation. The moment I told her, she just came to my house to check on me, I started crying looking at her. She told me something which I couldn’t forget.
Her: So basically, You stopped talking to both of them because of this.
Me: Yes.
Her: Remember a year ago, when you fought with your parents, you stopped talking to them.
Me: Yes, but what is your point?
Her: See, whenever you face a problem, you either run away or stop talking. 
Me: I did the best I could
Her: And see where that got you. You have even tried self-harm. Can you not see the depth of your issues?
Me: I don’t….I..I…What do you suggest?
Her: Well, why don’t you try talking to your friend for starters.
Trust me; you will know what to do.
Me: No way, did you not hear what they have done to me.
Her: So, are you going to ignore them forever? She feels the same way about your friend the same way you did for her. The feeling is the same but on different people. Tell me, why can’t she choose her happiness.
Me: I tried so hard, I would give anything for her like me, I was ready to treat her like a princess.
Her: Maybe she doesn’t want that, I think you may have misunderstood her. Now, if you stop talking to people, how could you assess the situation. Don’t push away your problems; learn to face them. I mean, these are nothing in comparison to what’s in the future. Now please talk to them. You will know the point you have missed here.
The next day I talked to my friend, and I have realized something, Loving someone does not mean you need to be their boyfriend/girlfriend. It means being there for them and with them always, no matter what. Loving someone means being the reason for their happiness, even if you are not involved directly. I guess I didn’t figure out this part. But I still couldn’t get myself to talk to her.

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In April, I found out that they broke up. I was shocked to know about this. Maybe deep down, I have accepted them to be a couple. But things didn’t work out between them. She would come to class and sits on the first bench and start studying, and she hardly spoke to anyone. I could feel her pain and agony. I just wanted to go and tell her that it’s alright, and she can talk to me about it. I just wanted to be there for her. But I did none of that; I had an ego that is on par with a whale’s size. Maybe that’s the reason I didn’t deserve her. And then happened JEE MAINS-2. I didn’t perform well as I busy with the melodrama in my life.

As soon as the results were out, my chemistry lecturer wanted to meet me. I knew this was coming; I let him down. He told me that he expected me in the top 8000 AIR, but now my rank was not worthy of getting into GFIT’s. I couldn’t even look into his eyes as I was ashamed. He then told me, I don’t know what happened to you, but let me ask you something, what do you want to accomplish? I mean, you didn’t just come every day from 7 am to 8 pm only for nothing, right. Whatever may be the problem, you have the potential to overcome it. You just have to make up your mind. “Nothing is withered in such a way that it cannot be restored to its former state.”, Think about it and do something. 

Those were the words of wisdom I needed in that situation. I went back home and started thinking about my actions. Now that I think about them, I was pretty childish. My first mistake was giving up physics. If he had a problem with, I should have worked hard to prove him wrong; I should have talked to my parents instead of yelling at them; I mean, who am I without them? I should have dealt with my ego issues before they had put me in a miserable state. I put my body in harm’s way for such a pitiful problem, whereas I could have spared it a great deal of pain. Instead of doing all that, I just blamed the others while I just sat and did nothing. 

 So I worked out my issues with my parents and started working hard for JEE ADVANCED. And finally, I made both my parents and my Lecturer proud of me.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

Thomas A. Edison

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